[Inside the pet store, the lights go out, with one spotlight shining on the dog. Bud and the dog howl at the light. Cut into the tank. The school has a big banner outside that says “TONIGHT! “POTATOES FOR WINTER””. Inside the auditorium, everyone is taking their seats. Coach Salmons and Ms. Lips are sitting together.]
Coach Salmons: Oh, how I love student plays!
[Pass, Punt, and Fumble are sitting in the audience as well.]
Punt: Yeah, except acting's for nerds!
[The three laugh.]
Fumble: Good one!
[Jocktopus angrily glares at them from backstage.]
Bea: Oh my gosh! It's the day of the show!
[Shellsea powder-puffs her face.]
Shellsea: Stage makeup really gets me goin'.
[Oscar is dripping with sweat.]
Oscar: Okay. Calm down, Oscar. You're an awesome stage manager. You'll get through this.
Milo: Has anyone seen my duct tape and my girdle?
[Oscar groans.]
Jocktopus: La la la la LAAAAAA! (groans)
[Bea comes over to him.]
Bea: How’s it going, Jocktopus?
Jocktopus: (angrily slams his script in Bea’s chest) JOCKTOPUS HATE MUSICALS!!!!
Bea: Well, maybe, if someone showed up to rehearsals, they’d know what they’re doing. Okay. You know what? I’m not going to let him ruin this for us.
Oscar: Mr. Mussels, how do you write such powerful stuff?
Mr. Mussels: You see, one night, I was eating dinner.
Oscar: Oh, okay. That makes sense. Well, time for the next scene. Curtains up! Places!
[The curtain raises. Jumbo is now driving Randy Pincherson in a cart, pulled by Koi, who yet again, collapses.]
Randy: What happened?!?
Jumbo: The yak died, M’Lord.
Randy: Again?! (steps out of the cart) Where are we?!
Jumbo: The town of Au Gratin!
Bea, Albert, others: Welcome!
Randy: Well, I don’t like it! Get me one of them filthy peasants to pull the cart! Find the filthiest one you can!
Jumbo: Yes, M’Lord. Oh! I found one!
[Clamantha walks onto the stage.]
Randy: You! Filthy old witch! Pull my cart!!
Clamantha: I’m not a witch!
Randy: Well, whatever. Just pull my cart!!!
Clamantha: I cannot pull your cart, but I can… (Her fake hands get out of control. Oscar controls them.)
Oscar: Stupid puppet hands!
Clamantha: I can… (spits out a potato) …offer you a humble potato.
Randy: (knocks the potato out of Clamantha’s fake hand) I hate potatoes!
[Everyone gasps.]
Albert: But, kind sir, who are you to reject an offer of fine potatoes?
Randy: I’m Dandy Pincherson! The Prince! That makes me better than all of you!
Clamantha: No one is better than potatoes!!
Randy: Oh, yeah?! (steps on the potato, squashing it)
Milo: AAAAAAHHHH!!! MY BABY!!!!
[Bea and the other ensemble members gasp.]
Clamantha: Oh, now you did it, buddy! Your heart is untrue! I’m gonna put a curse on you! Until you learn to love a tater, you’ll be a beast! Smell ya later!!
Randy: I thought you said you weren’t a witch!
Clamantha: I lied! Ha ha ha ha!
Dr. Frog: What?! I did not see that coming!
Clamantha: Scram!
[Randy gets off the stage.]
Bea: Why isn’t Jocktopus on the stage?!
[Oscar tries pushing a reluctant Jocktopus onto the stage, but he clings onto the sides.]
Oscar: That’s your cue!
Jocktopus: Awww! Jocktopus changed his mind!
Mr. Mussels: Do it! (pushes Jocktopus onstage)
[Jocktopus is now on stage. His football buddies make fun of him.]
Punt: Well, if it isn’t King Thespian!
(The three laugh at him.)
Clamantha: You won’t be released from the form of a beast until you learn to love a potato! And scene! (Pause.) Psst. Make with the words!
Bea: So, I bet you’re pretty darn angry about being turned into a Beastopus. (laughs nervously) And as revenge, you want to steal the Great Potato. Right? Remember?
[Bea and Milo smile nervously. The audience just looks on blankly.]
Ms. Lips: I feel uncomfortable. (pulls a tack out from the seat) Oh! It’s because I was sitting on a tack.
Bea: (pushing Jocktopus off stage) Oh my gosh! Look at that! The Beastopus is stealing the Great Potato!
[Mr. Mussels pulls him offstage.]
Mr. Mussels: Jocktopus! What is the deal, my man?!
Jocktopus: What?! (throws Milo across the stage) Jocktopus did good!