[Inside the tank, Milo, Oscar, and Bea are at the shopping mall.]
Milo: So, why are we at the mall again?
Bea: To buy Jocktopus a birthday present.
Milo: Wait, wait. Why are we buying Jocktopus a birthday present?
Oscar: Because if we don't, he's gonna pound us. (shows Milo a paper that says "Jocktopus BirtDAy! Bring Gifts oR ELSE!" with a picture of an angry Jocktopus in the middle)
Milo: Oh, yeah. I forgot that too. Hey, where are we?
Bea: Do you pay attention to anything, Milo?
Milo: Huh?
Oscar: (Something catches his eye.) Ooooh. Level 87 Archery Braces! Ohhhhh...
[He goes into a fantasy, where he is dressed like a knight, and Bea is dressed like a princess.]
Bea: Wow, Oscar. I never realized how cool you were until you got those Level 87 Archery Braces. Maybe we should go see a movie together sometime.
[Cut back to the real world.]
Milo: Alright, let's go do some bully birthday buying!
[Oscar groans. In one of the stores, Milo and Oscar are looking around to figure out what to get. Bea comes over to the two brothers.]
Bea: Guys! I think I found the perfect present for Jocktopus. Extra Strength deodorant!
Milo: Or maybe a toothbrush!
Oscar: Uh, guys, I think we're running a huge risk of buying a present that makes Jocktopus angry.
Bea: Well, what should we get him, Oscar?
Milo: Two toothbrushes?
Oscar: Uh... well, what's the gift you give someone when you don't know what to buy them?
Bea: (gasps) A professional stylist!
Milo: Hugs.
Oscar: Money.
Milo: Money?
Bea: Wouldn't that be laaaame?
Oscar: I'll tell you what's really lame. The three of us getting our butts kicked!
Milo: (holds onto his buttcheeks) Not little Sinsie!
Oscar: And have you ever wanted to really punch a guy who gave you a fish dollar?
Bea: Huh. He's got a point.
Milo: Then, fish money it is!
Oscar: (squeals in delight)
[Inside the school, Jocktopus is seated in a big chair. Piranhica is standing beside him, and speaks into a megaphone.]
Piranhica: Single line, fishies! Don't be scared. Jocktopus can smell fear!
[The line includes Sunny, Clamantha, Steve Jackson, Albert Glass, Jumbo Shrimp, Esmargot, Milo, Bea, Oscar, Randy Pincherson, and Koi.]
Milo: Birthdays make me hungry for ice cream and cake.
Bea: This is more like a prison.
Milo: Well, prison also makes me hungry for ice cream and cake.
[Sunny steps forward to the couple.]
Sunny: Dearest Jocktopus...
Jocktopus: JOCKTOPUS' BIRTHDAY!!!!
Sunny: I have nothing else to give you, but all of my love, and all of my moneys.
[Jocktopus takes the money and observes it. He licks a dollar, and sticks it onto his shirt. It comes off.]
Jocktopus: WHAT THE HECK DOES IT DO?!?!
Piranhica: Nothing, babe, it's totally worthless.
Jocktopus: YOU BRING WORTHLESS PAPER ON JOCKTOPUS' BIRTHDAY??!! In here! (puts Sunny in a "To Punch Later" box)
Sunny: But that was all my money for college!
Jocktopus: The only thing not made me angry for getting me worthless paper once, will be getting worthless paper TWICE!
[Milo, Bea, and Oscar flinch in fear. Oscar scatters the money in his hair.]
Bea: I'm too young and talented to be punched! This is all your fault, Oscar!
Oscar: Me?!
Milo: Yeah, Mr. Money is the answer to everything!
Oscar: But, I... I... I...
[Jocktopus comes towards the trio.]
Jocktopus: Hey, guppies. Where's Jocktopus' present?!?
Oscar: Well, Mr. Pus, I...
Bea & Milo: Here. (gives Oscar to Jocktopus. He observes.)
Jocktopus: This I could use. Jocktopus' birthday party is OVER! (He takes his party hat off and puts his normal hat on, then grabs Oscar and takes him away)
Oscar: Guys! I can't believe you gave me up like that! I thought we were supposed to be friends!
[Milo and Bea look at each other shocked. Oscar and Jocktopus go to the latter's locker, with Pass, Punt, and Fumble following.]
Jocktopus: Alright, birthday present. Get in!
Oscar: How am I supposed to fit?
Jocktopus: Easy. JOCKTOPUS!!!!
[He shrinks to fit inside the locker, and goes in.]
Oscar: Uh, uh... uh, Oscar! (Pass, Punt, and Fumble push him into the locker.) Huh? Wow. This is a very nice gigantic room inside a tiny locker you have here.
Jocktopus: Jocktopus enjoys paradoxes! Okay, birthday present. I'm gonna practice my punching. Heh-heh. You ready?
Oscar: Ahh! No! No, no, no! I'm not ready! I'm not ready! I mean, I'm not really a punching type. I'm more of a problem solving birthday present, so, got any problems? (chuckles nervously)
Jocktopus: Uh, yeah. Sometimes I get mad when I can't figure out who to beat up. I mean there's so many kids, but only one Jocktopus.
Oscar: Well, what if I make a program that randomly selects your next client?
[He types on a laptop, and it prints out a sketched picture of Albert.]
Jocktopus: Oh, yeah. Hey, I could give each kid the attention they deserve! Oh, yeah. Sometimes I get mad because my arm gets tired when I'm punching someone.
Oscar: Hmm. I know! Just roll this die to choose which arm you use before you begin bullying, that way none of them will get overused or tired.
Jocktopus: Yeah. Sometimes I get... Oh! I have another problem. Sometimes I get mad cause I use the same old lines when I beat kids up. It's usually something like, "Daah! Jocktopus is hitting you now!" You know?
Oscar: Well, how about I make up some note cards for you to use? To add a little variety?
Jocktopus: Yeah. Gee, birthday present. If you keep working like this, I'm gonna have to break you like all the other junky stuff I break.
Oscar: What?
[Milo peeks out and notices Jocktopus' football troop in front of the lockers. He turns back to Bea, who is behind the lockers.]
Milo: Oh, Bea! I can't believe we just gave away Oscar like that! We have to get him back!
Bea: What if we used many talents of a certain fish to distract Jocktopus while you rescue Oscar? All we need is wardrobe, makeup, and a really good monologue.
Milo: Bea, you little genius. (grabs one of her eyelashes and waves it)
[Albert reaches into his locker, when suddenly Jocktopus grabs him. He looks at the sketch Oscar made.]
Jocktopus: Huh. Yep. (rolls the dice) Okay. (reading the note card) "Though today ends dark and dreary, tomorrow brings a chance for clear waters and hope."
Albert: Wow, Jocktopus. That was beaut...
[Before he can finish, Jocktopus drops him.]
Jocktopus: Jocktopus is hitting you now!! (clobbers him)
Mr. Baldwin: Jocktopus Ludwig Vandenbush!
Jocktopus: (stops) Huh?!
Mr. Baldwin: How many times do I have to tell ya... You can't go through life trying to punch all your troubles away?!
Jocktopus: (groans and drags off)
Mr. Baldwin: And Albert, how many times do I have to tell you... If you stand in the hallways long enough, someone's bound to punch you. (gives Albert a detention slip) I'll see you in detention. (walks away mumbling to himself)
[Albert drops the detention slip and faints. Back by Jocktopus' locker, the football gang are guarding it, as Jocktopus is inside, weightlifting and lamenting to Oscar.]